There are no small parts, only small actors.

I remember way back to my high school theater days, when the cast lists would go up and my friends and I would count how many lines we had in the script. It was a big, gross, competition that I’m sad to say I did participate in. But I was fifteen. Unfortunately, this line-counting thing that I witnessed in high school still takes place, but with people who are way too old to be engaging in such an activity.

One of the most prominent memories of this happened back in my early days as a casting assistant. It started with one nice small role and ended with one cranky screaming manager. I called in his client for a juicy co-star role on a popular television series I was working on -- the role happened to have no lines, but it required a really good actress. There was this actress I had seen in a few things that I thought would be really great for the role, so managed to talk the casting director I was working for at the time into to letting me call her in.

The manager took the appointment at first, but a few hours later, he called me back screaming. His client had a prominent guest star role on a big television series several months earlier and they were absolutely insulted that I would have the nerve to call her in for a role with no lines. Now, if it had been the manager’s decision, they wouldn’t have taken the appointment in the first place, which happens A LOT, but in this case, I knew it was coming from the actress. The manager did overreact with all the screaming, though. If he hadn’t reacted that way I might not have even bothered to remember this incident in the first place.

In the end, the actress we ended up hiring for the role was lovely and I’ve hired her many times since, but the actress I tried to get in originally hasn’t really worked much. I have set her up for other projects (through her agent not the manager!), but each time, she’s failed to show up for the audition. It kind of makes you wonder if her ego is still getting in the way.

LESSON: Never think you’re too good for a role based solely on the line count.

Casting Naked People (seriously, though)

This is a tricky subject.

Dear, dear actor and actress friends, please don’t take your clothes off for just anyone! Do your homework about the people you're auditioning for before you go in! I'm horrified when I hear stories about these things. I can’t believe they still happen in this day and age! If you don’t feel safe, DON’T DO IT! 

When you first audition, you should not have to take your clothes off. If you're one of our top choices, we'll probably have you come back in so that we can make sure you don’t have any offensive tattoos or something like that, however, we will inform you well before you come in what is required of you. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can always pass on the project. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.

Think long and hard about nudity because those nude screenshots will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Nudity Required

Those are my two least favorite words on a breakdown! Casting any kind of nudity is always awkward and tricky. (I will post my more serious thoughts about this subject on Wednesday, but today is fun story day.)

I once cast a film that required a female character to go topless. The actress we liked for the role agreed to the partial nudity but she wanted to use fake nipples so she didn’t “feel” naked. The producer agreed to it as long as she came in and showed us how they looked before she got to set. So she met the producer (male) and the casting directors (me and my casting partner, both female) in the casting office for approval. 

She wore a prosthetic nipple on one breast and showed us the contrast to her natural nipple on the other. She even bounced around so we could see that it wouldn't fall off. I know what you guys are thinking, sounds like a really tough job, right? Well it is. Even the producer (a guy remember?) was uncomfortable. The only person who seemed comfortable with the whole thing, was the actress, who then peeled the fake nipple off and stuck it to the top of my glass desk like a suction cup. The prosthetic nipple looked exactly the same as the real one, so the producer okayed it for the shoot.

LESSON: It’s all fun and games until someone sticks a prosthetic nipple to your desk.

Flashing and kissing and lap dancing, oh my!

There are some very awkward things that can happen in auditions at times. I’ve been forced to look at embarrassing photos, flashed, kissed, and even received a lap dance or two. 

Now, there’s a pretty good rule of thumb about touching the casting director in an audition … DON’T! 

I get that actors want to use the person reading with them like they would use the other actor in the scene, but the thing is, we aren’t actors. It’s kind of like going to a job interview and giving the person interviewing you a lap dance. In some cases it might help you get the job, but there’s always a chance that the person you violated could press charges. At the very least be sure to get their consent before straddling them.

OMG casting moments

Back in my early assistant days, I had the opportunity to help cast porn stars for the series I worked on. One of the characters on the series was watching porn in a scene and we had to cast the actors for that film within a film. Two girls, and one guy, if memory serves correct. Sounds fun, right?

One of my first OMG casting moments happened when a male porn star asked me to pick which headshot to give the producers. The producer’s assistant’s desk was right outside the audition room and the assistant was sitting at it, so she got to help pick as well. The actor set out four or five photos for us to choose from, all of them showcasing his major asset, if you know what I mean. If my face looked anything like the assistant’s did, I don’t know how the actor managed to keep a straight face. I quickly pointed to one of the pictures, pretending to be unfazed by the whole thing, and took him into the room. When I came back out, the assistant's jaw was still on the floor.

Little did I know, this would be NOTHING compared to the things I would encounter in the years to come. But I’ll save those stories for another day.

The ‘80’s Icon

For the most part I get to meet actors when they’re on their best behavior, however, occasionally I get someone on a bad day or someone that just doesn’t have manners, or doesn’t know better. These are some of my friends' favorite stories so I thought I’d share a few with you. And then I will leave you to speculate who the actor might be. I’ll never tell!

On one of my first jobs in casting, an ‘80’s icon came in to audition. He was one of the most famous people I had ever met at that point. I was a little star struck. He decided to take advantage of my naivety by asking for special treatment. How was I supposed to know that I wasn’t there to cater to a former star’s every whim?

First he asked to be seated in a separate waiting area because he didn’t feel like he should have to wait in a room full of actors (there were maybe five other actors). I did my best to accommodate him by seating him in the office of a colleague. 

Then that wasn’t enough and he asked to jump the line. I told him I’d see what I could do. He’s famous so he should get special treatment, right? I poked my head into the casting room and told the casting director about the ‘80’s star requesting to go next. She was annoyed with him for taking advantage of my niceness and told me to tell him that they’d be with him just as soon as they could. I did.

After about three more actors read (ten minutes, tops), he came out of his special waiting place and asked me why he hadn’t been called in yet. He was not happy. 

The casting director saw him talking to me when she came out to get the next actor and chose to intervene. This casting director is one of the nicest people in the business and couldn’t have been more polite to him. She introduced herself, thanked him for coming in, told him she was a fan. But he rudely held up a finger to her and refused to so much as look at her as he informed her that he was talking to me. Then he told me that I should let the producers know that if they want him for the role, they will have to offer it to him, then he stormed out.

I was sure I had done something wrong and I was totally convinced that I would be fired, but the casting director turned to me and said, that’s why he doesn’t work anymore. And he doesn’t.

LESSON: Don’t be a diva if you want to continue to work. No matter how famous you might have been once upon a time.

Oh, and did I mention that he didn't take his sunglasses off for the entire interaction? Yeah...

In case you were wondering...

Why "OperaPug," Michelle?

I'm so glad you asked. It's because...

My Pug sings to opera music. (link)

Don't you wish you had an opera-singing Pug?